I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
