I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
