I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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