Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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