I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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