Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
