I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
