Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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