My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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