guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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