ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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