Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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