I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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