guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
