it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
