I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
