well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
