I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
