just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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