My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
