how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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