After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
