woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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