As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
