1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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