Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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