youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I know her cup size but not her name....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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