mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
