all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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