The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
