Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I party with great urgency now.
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