Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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