i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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