She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
