theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
