And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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