Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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