oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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