so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
