is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
