Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
