Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
