He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
