Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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