Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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