i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
