the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
