well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
