my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
