Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
